College Prep for Toddlers

 

Pixabay/Creative Commons CCO
Pixabay/Creative Commons CCO

Earlier this week, my daughter hit “send” on her first few college applications. College admission these days is a brutal process. With some of the most competitive colleges admitting  less than 10% of their applicants, it’s more important than ever that applicants stand out from the crowd.

My daughter’s application process has made me question what I could have done that would have eased her way. I’ve come to the sad realization that I may have missed the boat when she was a toddler. There are so many things I could have done that could have better prepared her for today’s hyper competitive college admissions environment. Unfortunately, it’s too late for her, but i hope the next generation can benefit from the lessons I’ve learned. So please share these suggestions with the parents of any toddlers you might know.

College Prep for Toddlers

Have your toddler give a TED talk. Colleges are looking for passion and expertise in their applicants.  Nothing says “passion and expertise” as much as a TED talk.  So have your toddler speak on topics she is passionate about.  Possible subjects may include: “My Liberation Manifesto: Why Taking Your Clothes Off in the Grocery Store Is an Expression of Solidarity with the Oppressed,” “The Booster Chair Pollock: Creating Floor Art with Food During Lunch,” “Life Strategies: How to Temper Tantrum Your Way to Getting Anything You Want at Target,” and the evergreen toddler topic “Noooooo!” You will probably have to accompany your toddler to her TED talk as a translator because, let’s face it, only a toddler’s parents can understand what she is saying.

Train your toddler for the Olympics. Highly selective colleges love Olympic athletes. The good news is that toddlers are already surprisingly adept at certain Olympic events, so all you need to do is use their natural talents as a springboard to Olympic glory. For instance, every attempt to get your toddler dressed is a natural entree to Greco-Roman wrestling. Put a tray on a slide and you have a luge. Fight with her sibling? I see a judo medalist. A ride on a merry-go-round is the first step toward earning a gold in the 3 day equestrian event. And that melon your toddler hurled through the window? On her way to being a shot put champion. (Note: For some toddlers, you may want to exclude training for certain Olympic events from this plan. For example, training for archery and the javelin throw may only be appropriate for the most advanced toddlers.)

Have your toddler write the next Broadway smash. Colleges are always looking for applicants who have a passion for the arts. Fortunately, toddlers love to sing and dance.  So all you need to do is help your toddler harness that creative energy and turn it into the next “Hamilton.”  Possible titles for your toddler’s genre redefining musical include: “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Bathroom,” “How to Succeed in Driving Your Sister Crazy Without Really Trying,” “The Sound of Shrieking,” and “The Phantom of the Opera Is in My Room, So I Must Sleep with You.” Your toddler can also incorporate innovative choreography such as jumping up and down in one place while screaming, spinning until she is dizzy and staggering like a drunkard, and running around the living room like a maniac until she smashes her head into an end table and cries. (Unsolicited advice — this last move should probably be reserved only for the very, very, very, very, very, very sad parts of the show. 😢)  Then sit back and wait for your toddler to collect her first Tony.

Help Your Toddler Make a Scientific Breakthrough. Colleges love scientific geniuses. So what if Einstein didn’t speak until he was four? Your toddler can do better than Einstein! Toddlers are naturally curious and have been known to conduct their own groundbreaking experiments. For example, toddlers have made important discoveries in areas such as: How many peas can I stick up my nose?; How far can I projectile vomit?; What’s that floating in the bathtub?; and How long will I be required to thrash and wail until my parents meet my totally reasonable demands? There’s a Nobel Prize and an admission to MIT to be had in these experiments.

Have your toddler run for President. Oops! Too late! We already have a toddler running for President.

If you and your toddler put these helpful suggestions to use, in 15 years, she will be a shoo-in for her dream college. Now all you have to do is worry about how to save several million dollars to pay her tuition.

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10 Questions that Should Be Asked on Financial Aid Forms

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If you follow my Facebook page (and if you don’t, you should), you know that I spent all day Saturday crying and drinking while I filled out Boo’s financial aid forms. I have newfound respect for the FAFSA-only schools. Download your tax forms, answer a couple of other questions, e-sign and you’re done. Of course, only one of Boo’s colleges is a FAFSA-only school, so I got to go through the ordeal of the CSS profile — which is much more detailed and ostensibly gives colleges a broader profile of your family’s financial situation.  The only problem is that even though it is WAY more detailed, the CSS doesn’t really give a full picture of a family’s financial situation.  I hate to suggest more work, but here are 10 questions that aren’t on the CSS profile but should be:

1. Do you have a tent? No? You might want to think about getting one.  You may need a place to stay.

2. What are your average annual expenditures for the following necessities: a) ice cream; b) Netflix; c) alcohol?

3. Seriously? You spend that much on ice cream?

4. Have you ever lost a billion dollars at a casino? (Trump family only)

5. You’re gonna have to moonlight, so what will it be? Drug mule or stripper?

6. Please describe any unique talents you may have such as the ability to spin straw into gold.  Or to turn water into wine. Or counterfeit.

7. How many 6 ft. portraits of yourself have you purchased at charity auctions?

8. Are you related to the Beverly Hillbillies?

9. Say, hypothetically, that you needed to rob a bank.  What would be your foolproof plan? Attach a drawing if necessary.

10. So we know this guy. Will pay top dollar for immortal souls.  Goes by “Lucifer.” Any interest?

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10 Types of Guides You See on Campus Tours

image If you haven’t yet been on a college tour, there’s something you need to be aware of.  Your tour guide can make or break your impression of a school. After going on dozens of college tours, here are 10 types of tour guides you might meet. You may have better chemistry with some than others. It’s better to be prepared.

10 Types of Campus Tour Guides

Welcome! I’m Davina. I’m a dance major from Rochester. At the moment, I’m working on my senior project — which is an interpretation in movement of an 18th century Japanese feminist tract incorporating elements of African dance, primal scream and pogo sticks. After graduation, I’m hoping to get a job as an investment banker.  Let’s get started.

Hey. My name is Brett. I’m from Arlington. I’d appreciate it if you would keep your voices down. I’m super hungover.

Hi!!!! 🌺🌷💐 I’m Amber!!!!! 🦄🐶🐱🌈 I’m from Orlando, and I’m sooooo excited to tell you about the community service activities I do with my sorority sisters!!!! 💛❤️💙💜💚!!!

Hi! I’m Zell. My preferred pronouns are zhe and zher. I’m from Portland, and I’m majoring in oppression studies. But before we start, I’d like to apologize that our campus is so ableist.  If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to our first stop — the yurt.

Hi! I’m William. I’m from Boise, Idaho.  I’m an honors English major.  I’m working on my thesis “The Epistemology of Elegy and Essentialism in Frankenstein and Fifty Shades of Grey — A Proto-Feminist Critique.” I’m also president of the College Republicans.

Hi? I’m Maya? I’m from Newport Beach? I’m majoring in marketing? With a minor in fashion design? After graduation, I’m hoping to work for Ralph Lauren? Or as a personal assistant to Kimye?

Hi. I’m Julia. I’m a computer science major from Wayzata, Minnesota. I’m president of the Tri-College furry club. And I play the oboe.

Hi, I’m Rob. I’m an exercise science major from Lenexa, Kansas.  I can bench press 2 times my body weight.  Seriously.  If you’ll hold still, I’ll lift you over my head.

Welcome! I’m Eleanor.  I’m from Boulder and I’m majoring in environmental science and sustainability studies.  Let’s head to the new language study center.  It’s LEED certified and has a vegetable garden and chicken coop on the roof.  We use the produce and eggs from the roof garden in our cafeteria and I sleep on a pillow stuffed with molted chicken feathers. I’m also so excited that we’ve convinced facilities to acquire a herd of goats that will be used for weed control on campus instead of carbon emitting machinery.

Hi! I’m Marcus.  Sorry I was a few minutes late.  I just got back from my internship in Sen. Warren’s office. Anyway, I’m the president of the SGA, so if you want to know anything about student government, I’m your man.  Also, I run cross country.  And I’m doing research on using robotics to stimulate cell regeneration.  And I’m playing Stanley in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” If anyone needs me to do this tour in ASL while walking backwards, please let me know.

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Ten Questions I’d REALLY Like to Have Answered at a College Information Session

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As a veteran of many — probably too many — college information sessions, I’ve come to realize that they’re all pretty much the same. Some of the fine details may differ, but generally, you’ll get a description of the curriculum, the graduation requirements, the application process, financial aid, study abroad and some vague description abou . . .

….

Sorry. I think nodded off for a minute there.  That happened to me a lot during information sessions.

Ahem. Back to business. I can barely remember any of the information sessions Boo and I attended — with the exception of two spectacularly bad ones; one of which left me wanting to punch the pretentiousness out of the admissions officer and the other made me want to stuff a sock in the mouth of another parent. I might have actually done the sock stuffing except that it was very clear that her daughter wanted to do it way more than I did, and I hate to rob kids of their fun.

In any event, the sameness of the sessions made me ponder the questions that I would really like to hear answered during an information session.  What would really be practical information and set the schools apart and give me a sense of what the school is really like? So I came up with this list of the ten questions I would really like to have answered at an information session.

Information Session Questions

1. What is your policy on responding to a panicked mother who has watched too many episodes of Dateline and whose daughter is not responding to texts?  Asking for a friend.

2. Which movie most accurately reflects life on your campus: a) Animal House (party school); b) The Social Network (school full of ruthless/annoying dweebs); c) Revenge of the Nerds (speaks for itself); d) Scream 2 (for God’s sake, are you so stupid that you’re going out by yourself? There’s a serial killer on campus!); or e) Pitch Perfect (awesome a cappella battles!)?

3. Are admissions here rigged?  Because I hear they’re rigged.  Believe me.

4. What footwear am I most likely to find in the closet of a female identifying student: a) Birkenstocks; b) Ferragamo pumps; c) super cute flip-flops (squee!); d) hiking boots; or e) Manolos?

5. Has your marching band ever been disciplined for an obscene or offensive half time show?  If yes, please describe the theme of the show.

6. Is there parking for helicopters?  Again, asking for a friend.

7. Name the alumnus/alumna you are most embarrassed to admit attended your school.

8. Which academic department is led by the craziest person?

9. It’s 11:00 p.m. on a Saturday, where is my child most likely to be: a) a frat party; b) a poetry slam; c) hanging out with friends from high school; d) in the library; or e) passed out?

10. Which of these most accurately reflects the usual level of interaction between students and professors: a) my professor came to a party in my dorm room;* b) my professor and her spouse have her students over for dinner; c) office hours only; d) I’m the person in row 23; or e) what professors — I only see grad students.

*Some day I’ll tell the story of when the Mayor of Providence ended up at a party in my dorm room.

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Boo’s F**king Water Bottle — A Historical Perspective

Usually Boo pays no attention to my blog, but by some miracle, she saw my last post “Where’s Boo’s F**king Water Bottle?” and she found a water bottle and brought it home!  I nearly fainted.

Anyway, she liked the post, and I had enough fun doctoring pictures that I decided to do a sequel focusing on the history of Boo’s f**king water bottle.  It turns out that Boo’s f**king water bottle has played an important role in some historical events.

Oh the tales Boo’s f**king water bottle could tell!

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It wasn’t an apple.  It was Boo’s f**king water bottle.

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Mystery of the Sphinx solved! It was a holder for Boo’s f**king water bottle.

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Boo’s f**king water bottle was a regular at orgies during the Roman Empire.

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99 f**king water bottles on the Great Wall.  99 f**king water bottles.  Take one down pass it around.  98 f**king water bottles on the Great Wall.

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We now know why the Mona Lisa was smiling.  She was well hydrated thanks to Boo’s f**king water bottle.

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Little known fact — Henry VIII and Boo’s f**king water bottle carried on a torrid affair until he lost the f**king water bottle.

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Originally the text read, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Boo’s f**king water bottle.”

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Boo’s f**king water bottle was a notorious suffragette who was arrested after she magnetized herself and stuck herself to the White House fence.

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Boo’s f**king water bottle killed Hitler!

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Boo’s f**king water bottle was spotted on the Grassy Knoll.  Just saying.

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F**k, Neil!  You left Boo’s f**king water bottle on the moon!  How are we gonna get it back now?

Let’s hope that this post prompts the return of another f**king water bottle.

Where’s Boo’s F**king Water Bottle?

Those of you who read “Thy Mom’s Ten Commandments ” know that we have an issue with Boo losing her f**king water bottle.  So far this school year, we’ve gone from three to one.  So I did an internet search and, miraculously, came up with several sightings.  Now I just need to figure out how to get the f**king water bottle back.

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Honest Abe, my ass.  He took Boo’s f**king water bottle!

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The royal f**king water bottle.

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Alexander Hamilton. My name is Alexander Hamilton.  And there’s a million things I haven’t done.  But I have taken Boo’s f**king water bottle.

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Who run the world?  Boo’s f**king water bottle.  That’s who.

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In January, I’m using Boo’s f**king water bottle to get very, very drunk.

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God and Adam fight for control of Boo’s f**king water bottle

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Muhammed Ali KO’s Sonny Liston with the help of Boo’s f**king water bottle

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Steph shoots Boo’s f**king water bottle for three.

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I wanna hold Boo’s f**king water bottle.

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Eww!  He can keep Boo’s f**king water bottle.  Who knows where those stubby little fingers have been?

Your Mom’s Application for Mother of the Year

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Dear Sir or Madam:

Thank you for this opportunity to apply for your 2016 Mother of the Year award.  I believe that after reviewing my credentials, not only will you decide that I am, indeed, the Mother of the Year, you will decide to retire the award — as there certainly will never again be a candidate as worthy as I.  Per your instructions, I address each of the selection factors below.

My Parenting Philosophy — I believe in surrounding my child with sweetness and light at all times.  Yep, that’s what I believe.   Of course, my beliefs and my reality have absolutely no relationship to each other.  Whatsoever.  It turns out that I can be a little dark and irritable at times.  Also, annoying pretty much all the time.  Just ask the people at College Confidential.  So my parenting philosophy is pretty much bulls**t.    Much like my belief that one should never, ever use swear words.

Methods of Discipline — My methods of discipline have evolved over time.  When she was small, I effectively ceded control to Boo.  Because let’s face it, sometimes it’s easier just to give in to the terrorists.  When she was a little older, I used strategic annoyance and embarrassment methods.  For example, I used to talk all the time about the Hunchback of Notre Dame and pronounce “Notre Dame” like the name of the football team that has a university attached to it.  That drove Boo up the f**king wall.  She would correct me with the French pronunciation over and over, and she was completely mortified that her mother was an absolute moron.  Generally, that would cause her to retreat to her room in frustration and humiliation.  Now that she’s an “adult,” I need only remind her that I have a blog, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Family Involvement — Because I’m  a single parent, I’ve always made an effort to include extended family in Boo’s life.  My family has played an important role in Boo’s development and education.  For example, one of my cousins taught Boo how to say “motherf**ker” when she was 15 months old.  Because that’s what family does.  You just don’t get that sort of caring and useful involvement in your child’s life from strangers.  BTW: this cousin is now the father of four kids under age 6.  I can’t wait until the next time I see his family; I have a few things to teach his kids.

Home — Our home is a place of serenity.  And squalor.  Only without the serenity.  And with a little extra squalor.

Health and Nutrition — Well . . . for approximately two years, Boo ate nothing but chicken nuggets and apples (without the peels dammit!).  She survived to adulthood.  Mission accomplished.

Recreation — Boo is a musical theater geek — which means that through the course of her childhood, I sat through approximately 600 amateur performances of “Annie.”  And Boo was not in a single one of those performances.  I think I deserve a medal just for that.  (On Sunday, we’re going to see “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” — which is definitely not about a spunky orphan.  Yay!)

Service to the Community — I baked. I drove. I sold. I canvassed. I brought treats (mostly chicken nuggets). I delivered Girl Scout cookies.  I ate Girl Scout cookies. I served on boards.  I went to PTA meetings.  I plotted. I schemed. I kvetched.  And most importantly, I wrote the definitive Guide to the Hippie Colleges of America.  You’re f**king welcome.

Regards,

Your Mom

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Why Malcolm Gladwell is an Asshole, but You Should Listen to Him Anyway

Over on my Facebook page, I recommended a three part podcast series by Malcolm Gladwell about access to high quality education for low income kids.  As a friend points out in the comments, one episode is grossly unfair to Bowdoin (making Gladwell an asshole), but his larger points are well worth consideration.  Join in the conversation here.

Thy Mom’s Eleventh Commandment

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Last night, I watched the first episode of HBO’s new series “Westworld.” Evan Rachel Wood is totally gorgeous and very good in the show, but I’m so glad I’m not her mom. She has broken two of my nonnegotiable rules: 1) she got a tattoo of a boyfriend’s initials (Thy Mom’s First Commandment); and 2) she was engaged to Marilyn Manson. (No, they are not his initials.)

Thy Mom forgot Thy Mom’s Eleventh Commandment — Thou shalt not enter into a romantic relationship with Marilyn Manson.  And if thou does, Thy Mom better not find out about it.