The Gospel of Festivus

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And it came to pass on the 23rd of December in the year of some people’s Lord, Nineteen Hundred and Sixty mumble-mumble, in the City of Kansas in the land of Missouri, that a woman, great with child, who was not a virgin because she had been impregnated by her husband (although the child does not like to think about that even now), went to a hospital to give birth.

And so it was, that, on that date, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And lo, she had one last cigarette before she was wheeled into the delivery room where she was put under general anesthesia — because that’s how babies were born in the Sixties. And she brought forth her firstborn daughter, but she didn’t realize she had given birth until she had recovered from sedation and thought, “Ouch.”

And she wrapped her daughter in clothes she had purchased from Marshall Field’s during a shopping trip to Chicago, reached for her pack of cigarettes, and gave her daughter to the baby nurse so that she could get a good night’s sleep. Because breast was not best in the Sixties.

And because the hospital was in the City of Kansas, there were in the area, a scarecrow, a tin man, a lion, a girl named Dorothy and a Wicked Witch, keeping watch over some ruby slippers. (OK, not really, but if you grow up in the City of Kansas, that’s what everyone thinks, so let’s go with that.)

And, lo, a flying monkey came upon Dorothy and her friends, and they were sore afraid. And the flying monkey said unto them, “Fear not: for, behold, I bring you tidings of marginal interest, which shall be of no importance to all save a few.”

“For unto you is born this day in the City of Kansas, a girl, which shall grow into ‘Your Mom,’ the author of this Festivus Gospel — although she will not actually be anyone’s mom for such a long period of time that her parents will complain bitterly that they will be dead before they become grandparents.”

“And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in clothes from Marshall Field’s, lying in bassinet that shall, in years to come, be considered a suffocation danger to newborns. And what with the prenatal cigarettes and martinis, the bottle feeding, the dangerous bedding and no car seats to speak of, thou shalt be amazed that the babe shalt survive to adulthood. But she shall.”

And suddenly there was a multitude of flying monkeys, praising the higher power of your choice (or no higher power at all if you’re not into higher powers), and saying, “Lo, I bring you tidings of comfort and joy. For from this day forward, thou shalt celebrate the birth of the babe on the 23rd day of December as ‘Festivus’ and thou shalt perform feats of strength and thou shalt air grievances on that day.”

And it came to pass, as the flying monkeys were gone away from them into Oz, Dorothy and her friends said one to another, “Let us now go even unto the City of Kansas and see this thing which is come to pass, which the flying monkeys hath made known unto us.”

And they came with haste, and found the parents and the babe. And when they had seen the babe, they made known abroad the saying which was told them by the flying monkeys concerning this child. And they engaged in feats of strength and aired their grievances. And lo, the parents looked at the Tin Man and sayeth, “Thou look like an unadorned pole.” And the friends danced around the unadorned Tin Man pole in celebration of his very high strength-to-weight ratio. And there was much rejoicing.

And behold, there also came three wise guys to City of Kansas, saying, “Where is she that is born the inspiration for Festivus? For we are come to say nice things about the babe to her parents even though we really think that all newborns are boring and look squishy. . . . Yep. This one too.”

And when the wise guys were come into the house, they saw the babe with her parents, and fell down. Because the wise guys had been drinking. And when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto her gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh. Only without the gold — the wise guys, being wise guys, just brought frankincense and myrrh. And the babe’s parents wondered WTF they were going to do with frankincense and myrrh and why couldn’t the wise guys have brought a nice engraved feeding spoon from Tiffany’s or offered to pay for diaper service for a year instead?

And, lo, from that day forward until the end of time, the multitudes have gathered each year on the 23rd day of December to perform feats of strength, air grievances and dance around an unadorned pole resembling the Tin Man in honor of the birth of the babe, who has grown into an excellent airer of grievances but a mediocre dancer at best.

So Happy Birthday to me, the First Festivus Miracle. And Happy Festivus to the rest of us.

Wondering what to give Your Mom for her birthday? Follow her on Facebook or Twitter. A little cake would be nice too.

 

 

 

 

 

More College News!

Boo has been accepted to two more colleges: Lewis & Clark College, alma mater of Monica Lewinsky; and Bard College, which is the #1 School for Dinner Parties according to The Onion. Yay, Boo!

And now, so as not to bug the crap out of everyone, Boo will be taking a month long break from announcing college admission decisions. She should hear from Bennington by the end of January. Then, the rest of the decisions will come in March — when we will recommence bugging the crap out of everyone.

But don’t worry, in the interim, I will still be here, bugging the crap out of everyone. Especially Boo.

Boo Has a Choice

Boo got her second acceptance yesterday — to Lawrence University. Lawrence is one of her “wild card” schools. Even though it may seem like we visited every small liberal arts college in America, we didn’t make it to Appleton, Wisconsin to visit Lawrence. Lawrence was recommended to Boo by her college counselor. The more I’ve learned about it, the more I understand why it would be a good fit. Hippie, music conservatory, small, etc. And in one of those little ironies, I’ve learned that my great-grandfather graduated from Lawrence and was later given an honorary degree by the school. (He was a trailblazer in advertising in the way, way back.)

In other good college news, my oldest nephew was accepted early decision to Tufts University yesterday. He is thrilled, and I am thrilled for him. My brother (affectionately known as “the Pinhead”) and his wife done good. So congratulations, Spawn of Pinhead!

Quiz — Who Said It? Trump, Kanye or Your Mom?

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  1. By 50 per cent, [I am] more influential than any other human being.
  2. When you’re the absolute best, you get hated on the most.
  3. I have made the greatest creation of all time. All time.
  4. All of the women . . . flirted with me, consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.
  5. I don’t think there’s a living celebrity with more weapons formed against him, but I don’t think there’s one more prosperous.
  6. I am not a fan of books . . . I am a proud non-reader of books.
  7. I’ve won many awards.
  8. Most people don’t understand the challenges of being so smart and creative.
  9. There’s nobody . . . bigger or better than I am.
  10. You should only believe about 90 percent of what I say. As a matter of fact, don’t even believe anything that I’m saying at all.
  11. I have great feelings of compassion and helping people.
  12. There’s nothing I really wanted to do in life that I wasn’t able to get good at. That’s my skill.
  13. I have made so many sacrifices for others. Maybe the pope should make me a saint.
  14. As a taste maker, I find the best of everything.
  15. Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest -and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure,it’s not your fault
  16. I’d like to address the false stories and noise that have been engineered by the media.
  17. The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.
  18. Seriously, I know best.
  19. No one appreciates everything I do for other people.
  20. I will be the leader of a company that ends up being worth billions of dollars, because I got the answers. I understand culture. I am the nucleus.

Answers: Trump 4, 7, 9, 11, 15, 17; Kanye 1, 2, 5, 6, 10, 12, 14, 16, 20; Your Mom 3, 8, 13, 18, 19

 Follow Your Mom on Facebook and Twitter.

Fictional Billionaires Who Will Not Be Serving in the Trump Administration

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By now it is apparent that President–Elect Trump would prefer to have only billionaires in his administration. Despite the power and prestige usually associated with serving in a senior administration position, Trump has faced difficulties in attracting billionaires who are willing to sell their souls and serve. Having run out of real life billionaires, Trump extended offers to several fictional billionaires. All of them turned him down. Below are Trump’s notes about the offers.

Richie Rich (Personal Asst. to President) — We could stay up all night and tweet things! Also can make prank phone calls to foreign leaders! “Hello? Is this Kim Jung-un? Love your hair! Is Don King your stylist?” (Great black man, Don King.) So fun! RR declines. 🙁 Thinks he’s too mature for us to get along and is afraid of inciting nuclear war. Dumb! Also must finish 4th grade. Plan B — Ask Barron if he’s interested. Nepotism be damned.

Jed Clampett (Secretary of Energy) — Good credentials! Knows all about black gold, Texas tea. Loves fossil fuels. And eating road kill. Flattered by offer but reluctant to move away from his cement pond in Californee. Also afraid I might grab Ellie May’s cat(?). Much obliged but no thanks.

Scrooge McDuck (Secretary of the Interior) — Can barely understand a word he says. May be speaking Spanish. Or Australian. Sounded like “Squawk! . . . Don Jr. . . Squawk! . . . Eric . . . Squawk! . . . Hunting rifle . . . Squawk!” Really only understood when he yelled “Fuck You” at the end. Note to self — find Huey, Dewey, Louie and Donald (Duck, not Trump) and refuse to pardon them next Thanksgiving. Just like families of terrorists.

Jay Gatsby (Second Vice President) — My kind of man! Extremely rich thanks to questionable business practices. Knows how to throw a party. Should have made him my running mate instead of Mike “Mr. Serious” Pence. Cannot serve because he is fictionally dead.

Khaleesi (Secretary of Defense) — Can use dragons to defeat enemies. Element of surprise. ISIS will not expect dragons. Or army of neutered former slaves. Iron throne would look fantastic in Oval Office after gold leafing. Brief call. I love the women. No one respects the women more than I do. But this woman is scary AF. Too scared to ask her to join cabinet.

Thurston Howell III (Secretary of Transportation) — Knows defects in transportation infrastructure. Boating accident left him stranded for years with poor people who could not find manufacturing jobs on deserted island. Sad! Too busy with litigation against Harlem Globetrotters related to ownership of resort on island. Note to self — tell kids that blind trust should invest in resort.

Mr. Monopoly (Housing and Urban Development) — Who better to run HUD than a guy who has made a fortune building cheap hotels in Atlantic City and then going bankrupt? Good conversation about real estate acquisitions using fake money. Cannot serve because he had to go to jail. Directly to jail. Did not pass Go. Did not collect $200.

Oprah (Anything she wants) — not fictional! Who knew? Also, thinks I’m a dumbass. Told me to go to hell! Will show her! Will not invite her to my next wedding! The best wedding! The most luxurious and classy wedding. To a 23 year old whose resemblance to a young Ivanka is purely coincidental.