No. I’m not going to college with Boo 😭, but I am going back to school. That’s right. My last back to school night is coming up this week.
Back to school night is ostensibly a time for you to get to know your child’s teachers and to find out about what your child will be learning during the school year. But it’s also an awesome opportunity to embarrass your child.
As I face my 13th and final back to school night, I feel like I have almost perfected the art of embarrassing Boo. But I would hate to see my years of accumulated wisdom go to waste as my time comes to an end. So I am sharing my techniques with you, dear readers. Use these techniques in good health. And if you know the parents of any preschoolers, be sure to pass this information on to them.
Things to Do at Back to School Night
After the teacher goes through the syllabus, raise your hand and ask, “Will this stuff be on the test?”
Seek out the parents of your child’s current crush and invite their family to dinner. Watch the reaction when you tell your child what you have done.
Ask the teacher how you can most effectively complain about your child’s grade.
In math class, say, “I was told there would be no math tonight.”
Ask the teacher how your child is going to be challenged given that s/he is so much smarter than the other kids in the class. Other parents love that! (Note: this is a true story. I witnessed it myself when Boo was in the 1st grade. SMH!)
Paste a mushy love note from you to your child on the front of your child’s locker/cubbyhole. (Note: this technique is not effective before third grade.) Bonus points for including an embarrassing picture of your child.
In English class, start singing “What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?”
And last but not least:
Tell the teacher that you’re a ticking time bomb. But also really chill.
And with this, my back to school nights come to an end. But the good news is that I’m already planning for my first parents’ weekend next fall! Instead of one night, I get a whole weekend of embarrassing Boo! Suggestions in the comments would be welcome. I am stoked!
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Look for my Guides to the Hippie Colleges of America and the Ivy League here.