Your Mom’s Guide to College Rankings

Last week, I spent a whole night refreshing my browser until the U.S News “Best Colleges” rankings were finally published.  It was an evening fraught with terror because — as we all know, the USN&WR rankings are the definitive arbiter of all that is good and worthwhile in a college education.  Also, if your kid doesn’t attend a top 10 school, you are a failure as a parent.

After reviewing the list, I came to the sad, sad conclusion that I’m likely going to be a failure as a parent.  Boo is only bothering to apply to one of the top 10 LACs and none of the top ten national universities. But to all you other failures out there, take heart.  Come cry your bitter tears with me.  I’m saving you a seat at the bad parent table.  We’ll be sullen and weird — just like the Ally Sheedy character in “The Breakfast Club.” Only old, possibly drunk, and definitely cranky.  And none of us will be dating Emilio Estevez at the end of the day.

But then I looked at the methodology USN&WR uses for determining the “Best Colleges” and felt much better.  More than a third of the ranking is based on “reputation” and “selectivity.”  If I were being judged by that criteria, I would perform poorly too.  My reputation is mediocre at best, and I am in no position to be highly selective.  In high school, I was a cross between Tracy Flick from “Election” and Urkel.  As an adult, little has changed.  So if I were a college, I would be well out of the top 10.

Because I think that popularity is a poor way to judge colleges, I have come up with my own methodology for ranking colleges.  I believe my criteria are a much better metric for ranking colleges.  You be the judge.

Your Mom’s Methodology for College Rankings

Affordability (40%) — I doubt that Warren Buffett, Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg is reading this blog (despite its obvious brilliance).  If they are reading it: a) Uh, Hi! Um . . . don’t you have more important things to do with your time?; and b) you can skip this part.  But for the rest of us mere mortals, let’s face it, affordability is really a threshold metric.  There is no point in looking at any other criteria unless you can pay the king’s ransom demanded by most colleges.  Running the net price calculators for Boo’s target colleges sends me into fits of rage, floods of tears, or Ocean’s Eleven style fantasies of robbing a casino.  With George Clooney.  So on second thought, I guess it’s not all bad.

Weather (5%) — I have told Boo that she should go to school in Southern California because of the weather.  In a completely unsurprising turn of events, she will not listen to me.  But I suspect I will have the last laugh on this one. Mwah ha ha!  I have started to practice saying “I told you so” every night in front of the mirror.  Can’t wait to break that out during her first winter vacation.

Beer (5%) — For the record, I hate beer.  Also, for the record, I drank beer in college.  Because college.  Maybe things will be different at Boo’s chosen hippie college.  But I doubt it.  They’ll probably just drink organic free range beer made by mute Tibetan monks instead of regular beer.

Peers (20%) — Yes, I know the purpose of going to college is to get an education.  But now, 30+ years after I graduated, I barely remember my classes.  I do remember my friends — despite the beer.  My college friends had (and continue to have) a far more profound effect on my life than any class I took.  So find your tribe of kind, smart, interesting and diverse people, and avoid the jerks, the mean kids and the phonies.  (CoughHarvardcough). And pray to God that your freshman roommate is not a ticking time bomb.

Professors/Class Size (15%) — This is one of many areas where Boo is showing that she is much smarter than I was at the same age.  She is not having huge lecture classes, inaccessible professors or classes taught by grad students.  Nope.  Not going to happen.  She wants small seminar style classes and lots of opportunities to interact with her professors.  In contrast, I did almost everything I could to avoid my professors — possibly because my freshman academic advisor may have been the single scariest person I have ever met.  Not serial killer style scary.  But scary in almost every other way.  Advantage Boo.

Food and Housing (10%) — Food and housing won’t make or break your college experience, but they can definitely have an effect.  For example, I went to a college where the main campus dining room was called “The Ratty” — with reason.  And during my freshman year, I lived in a cinder block dorm with built in furniture that was so far from campus, it might as well have been in Siberia.  In contrast, High Point University has its own steakhouse (on the meal plan) and its dorms include swimming pools, hot tubs, a first-run movie theater with free snacks, an arcade, a putting green and a free ice cream truck.  In my next life, I am so going to High Point.

Distractions (5%) — This is very much a “choose your own adventure” category.  There are schools that have amazing outdoor adventure clubs and climbing walls.  There are schools where the thrills and opportunities of big cities are right outside your door.  There’s the University of Missouri that has an indoor beach, a lazy river and a grotto based on the one at the Playboy mansion.  And then there was Providence in the ’80’s — a mafia haven with a cesspool of a river flowing through it.  Good times.

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Look for my Guides to the Hippie Colleges of America and the Ivy League here.

Your Mom Is Going Back to School

No. I’m not going to college with Boo 😭, but I am going back to school.  That’s right.  My last back to school night is coming up this week.

Back to school night is ostensibly a time for you to get to know your child’s teachers and to find out about what your child will be learning during the school year. But it’s also an awesome opportunity to embarrass your child.

As I face my 13th and final back to school night, I feel like I have almost perfected the art of embarrassing Boo.  But I would hate to see my years of accumulated wisdom go to waste as my time comes to an end.  So I am sharing my techniques with you, dear readers. Use these techniques in good health.  And if you know the parents of any preschoolers, be sure to pass this information on to them.

Things to Do at Back to School Night

After the teacher goes through the syllabus, raise your hand and ask, “Will this stuff be on the test?”

Seek out the parents of your child’s current crush and invite their family to dinner.  Watch the reaction when you tell your child what you have done.

Ask the teacher how you can most effectively complain about your child’s grade.

In math class, say, “I was told there would be no math tonight.”

Ask the teacher how your child is going to be challenged given that s/he is so much smarter than the other kids in the class.  Other parents love that!  (Note: this is a true story.  I witnessed it myself when Boo was in the 1st grade. SMH!)

Paste a mushy love note from you to your child on the front of your child’s locker/cubbyhole.  (Note: this technique is not effective before third grade.)  Bonus points for including an embarrassing picture of your child.

In English class, start singing “What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?”  

And last but not least:

Tell the teacher that you’re a ticking time bomb.  But also really chill.

And with this, my back to school nights come to an end. But the good news is that I’m already planning for my first parents’ weekend next fall!  Instead of one night, I get a whole weekend of embarrassing Boo!  Suggestions in the comments would be welcome.  I am stoked!

Follow me on Facebook for updates! And if you enjoy this blog, please share it with your friends!

Look for my Guides to the Hippie Colleges of America and the Ivy League here.

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Your Mom’s Guide to the Personal Statement

Now that we have finalized Boo’s college list, she is in the throes of writing her personal statement.  She is busily trying to figure out how to be be authentic, sincere, humble, honest, thoughtful, humorous, sagacious, scintillating, peppy,  mysterious, illuminating, perspicacious, and . . . uh . . clean!  Oh, and don’t forget — the statement should let colleges “hear her voice.”  (I have come to hate that stupid term.  Everyone uses it.  If they want to hear Boo’s voice, she’ll happily sing for them.)

Things were much easier when I was applying to college.  I could get away with a “what I did on my summer vacation” essay that did little more than demonstrate that I was marginally literate and intermittently conscious.  And that I had spent a summer in Sweden, weirded out by their love of lutfisk, ABBA and Bjorn Borg.  But, back then, that essay was good enough to get me into Brown.

Over the summer, Boo wrote a personal statement that centered on a series of calamities she faced during a trip to Turkey last year with a group from her school.  The essay culminated with her falling into a river and then having to wear her teacher’s spare pair of size 0 shorts for the rest of the day.  (Boo is slim but not that small. So as if having to wear her teacher’s shorts was not humiliating enough, the loss of circulation below her waist was positively mortifying.) Then she decided that essay was horrible, an abomination, and a possible crime against humanity and that she needed to start fresh with a new topic.

So in my usual helpful fashion, I came up with some topics that I thought would be perfect for her personal statement.  Much to my astonishment, Boo has rejected all my suggestions, so I share them with you.  Feel free to pass them on to anyone who is struggling with a topic. I’d hate to see all my hard work go to waste.  You’re welcome.

Personal Statement Topic Suggestions

❤️‍‍🐶❤️🐶‍❤️‍‍Why my doggie is the cutest doggie ever!!!!!!!!❤️🐶‍❤️🐶‍❤️‍ (emojis mandatory)

How Justin Bieber has informed my weltanschauung. (For the record, let it be known amongst all people of good faith and for all generations from now to the end of days that Boo is not now and never has been a fan. She would smite me if I left the impression that she was.)

Pringles — Tasty, tasty snack food or abomination against nature? . . . . Or both?  

The past season of “The Bachelorette” through the lens of Eastern philosophies.  (Boo rejected this topic because she doesn’t watch “The Bachelorette.”  On advice of counsel, I plead the Fifth.)

Why pumping your own gasoline in Oregon is a threat to global stability.

My summer in Sweden.

Inappropriate show tunes I have sung.  (This one was under serious consideration.  And yes, she knew the entire score of “Avenue Q” by the time she was 10.  I  have no idea how that happened. Nope. No. Idea. At. All.)

Why my spirit animal is a sloth.

Fights I have had over pronouns. #firstworldarguments

And last but certainly not least:

How my mother got into the World’s Dumbest Feud (©2016 Your Mom) with College Confidential!

Next — Your Mom’s Guide to College Rankings

Follow me on Facebook for updates!  And if you enjoy this blog, please share it with your friends!

Look for my Guides to the Hippie Colleges of America and the Ivy League here.

Your Mom Has a Parent Crush

On a serious note, Julie Lythcott-Haims is one of my idols.  I keep trying to be more like Julie.  She also did a fabulous podcast called “Getting In” which is all about the college admissions process. Look for it on iTunes. When it comes to college, her motto is don’t buy into the hype; find the fit that works for the student and his/her/their/zher (see I’m being pronoun sensitive!) family.

UPDATED — The World’s Dumbest Feud Gets Even Dumber!

[Be sure to catch the update on this update at the end of this post.  I expect there will be an update on the update on this update at some point.  Because this is just too freaking fun.]

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Me and College Confidential

I know. You thought that the World’s Dumbest Feud (©2016 Your Mom) was dead.  So did I, but a whole new level of dumb has now brought it back to life. If you’re unfamiliar with the World’s Dumbest Feud (©2016 Your Mom), you can get the background here.  It’s a really stupid feud between me and the website College Confidential which led to me being banned from posting the continuation of my popular Hippie College Guide on CC.

But before I get to this whole new level of dumb, I’d like to say hi the moderators at College Confidential. I understand you’re reading my blog. Yay!  Hope you’re loving it as much as I’m loving you!

So how did the World’s Dumbest Feud (©2016 Your Mom) come back to life?  Well, one of my informants tells me that CC is taking the position that this is all just a big misunderstanding.  They’re not really banning me. Instead, it’s a problem with my IP address!  There is something wrong with my IP address that is making CC’s system automatically kick out my postings. So it’s all the fault of my IP address and has nothing to do with the content.  Nope.  Not content related.

The problem with that explanation is that I don’t have a single IP address. I’ve used a bunch of different IP addresses and a bunch of different devices. But no matter which of my many IP addresses I’ve used since they first banned me, my posts get deleted and my access is cut off as soon as I appear as a version of hyppymom.

Notably, I’ve been able to successfully post using many of the same IP addresses — until CC figures out that it’s me.  And then I’m banned again.  For example, when I logged in as “@realhyppymom,” I was able to post the continuation of our Ohio trip until CC discovered the post, deleted it, and banned @realhyppymom.  So, the problem is clearly not my IP address(es).  [Update: CC apparently decided to undelete the Ohio post, but @realhyppymom is still unable to post.]

I would call bulls**t on CC’s latest explanation of why I can’t post except that I’m too much of a lady to use such crass language.  In fact, I think I just fainted for a moment there.

Moreover, if this were a just a simple misunderstanding, as CC now claims, perhaps they could send me an email telling me that I need to use a different IP address?  It’s not that hard to use a different IP address.  I could go to the local Starbucks!  Or better yet, I could sit on my couch and route my postings through servers in Dallas or Buenos Aires or Ulan Bator or pretty much anywhere else in the world.  Then they’ll have different IP addresses.  It’s not that hard to do.

And it’s not like CC can’t find me.  They’ve managed to contact me to warn me about the contents of my Facebook page, so they know how to get in touch.  And if they need my email, they can find it on the contact page here. I’ll be waiting, College Confidential.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE — 9/13/16 @12:45 PDT I was contacted by another CC poster who has apparently been banned because they thought she was I.  FFS.  It’s not like I’m recruiting terrorists.  It’s just a stupid travelogue about visits to hippie colleges.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE TO THE UPDATE — 9/15 I finally got a message from CC explaining that “realhyppymom” was banned because it was a duplicate account of hyppymom.  Fair enough.  But I still have yet to receive any explanation from CC as to why hyppymom was banned in the first place.  Oh well.  Moving on.

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE TO THE UPDATE TO THE UPDATE — 10/2 The World’s Dumbest Feud (©2016 Your Mom) goes nuclear.

Your Mom’s Guide to the Ivy League

There’s an old saying that writers should write what they know.

So what do I know?  I know the Ivy League.  I went to Brown.  I come from a long line of Dartmouth men. (No women back in those days.)  I have friends who have attended each of the Ivies.  And I’ve visited all of them — except Cornell.  Because Cornell is convenient to absolutely nothing.

Of course, I know some of the Ivies better than others.  But according to me, I am well enough informed about all of the Ivies to share my wisdom about them with you.  So here are some important facts I think you should know.  I hope you find them useful in your college search.

Brown University

Famous for: Having no requirements.  At all!  You can graduate without ever going to class.   Or seeing Providence.  Really!  (Please don’t tell my parents.) Also, free tampons!

Little Known Fact: GQ named Brown “America’s Douchiest College.” Finally! Brown won something!   We’re #1!  We’re #1!

Notable Alumni: Me; Hermione Granger; a LOT of minor royals from small countries (bonus admission points to the scions of monarchies in exile); Daveed Diggs (the coolest possible combination of Brown and Oakland, CA.  Represent, Daveed!); JFK Jr. (Yes.  I was in a tiny seminar with him.  And yes.  He was that handsome in real life.)

Columbia University

Famous for: A safety violation that allowed Peter Parker to be bitten by a radioactive spider and turn into Spider-Man.

Little Known Fact: Columbia’s wiki includes a dress code which describes — in excrutiating detail — what to wear from “casual” to “white tie” and when to wear it.  In case you were wondering, “black tie preferred” may include an ascot. Occasion?  “Opening season at the opera.”  Sadly, they failed to suggest something that would be really useful — like an ensemble for going to the grocery store or cleaning my house.  So Columbia’s dress code only gets a C+.  I’m disappointed in you, Columbia.

Notable Alumni: Alexander Hamilton (Go ahead and sing it.  You know you want to.  “Alexander Hamilton.  My name is Alexander Hamilton. And there’s a million things I haven’t done.  But just you wait.  Just you wait.”); Barack Obama (I’m working on an interpretive dance about him.  I think it’s going to be a massive hit!); Meadow Soprano; Martha Stewart; a ridiculous number of spies.

Cornell University

Famous for: Cold, cold, cold, hotel management, cold, cold, Andy Bernard, cold, cold, cold, cold, the Gorges, cold, cold, f**king cold.

Little known fact: The chicken nugget was invented at Cornell.  Which makes Cornell the dream school of every 3 year old in America.

Notable Alumni: Bill Nye, the Science Guy; Citizen Kane (expelled); Sideshow Mel from The Simpsons; Triumph the Insult Comic Dog; the Wizard of Oz.

Dartmouth College

Famous for: Being the birthplace of beer pong.  And the ultra-conservative Dartmouth Review.  I’m sure these facts are completely unrelated.

Little Known Fact: An anthropomorphic beer keg known as “Keggy the Keg” is Dartmouth’s unofficial mascot.

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(Keggy the Keg on the Green.  Is that you, Rob?)

Notable Alumni: Dr. Seuss; Senator Bluto Blutarsky; Shonda Rimes (Call me, Shonda, I have a fabulous idea about an Obama interpretive dance.  I think it’s going to be a massive hit!); Mr. Rogers; Mindy Kaling.  Bonus alumni — my dad, my uncle, my grandfather and two cousins.  Which makes me the Brown sheep of the family.

Harvard University

Famous for: Being in Massachusetts.

Little Known Fact: Absolutely nothing.  Because it’s Harvard. They know everything.  Just ask them. Also, Harvard murdered its sister, Radcliffe.  (That’s for you @EastGrad!)

Notable Alumni: Fred Munster, the Unabomber, Gopher from “The Love Boat,” Bill O’Reilly (figures); Jason Bourne.

Princeton University

Famous for: Eating clubs and the world’s ugliest marching band jackets.

Princeton University football at Lehigh, Bethlehem, PA, September 26, 2009. Photo by Beverly Schaefer.

(This just in — the fashion police at Columbia think I should wear the Princeton band jacket while cleaning my house.)

Little Known Fact: Bob Dylan wrote a whole song about how much he hated getting an honorary degree from Princeton.  He analogized Princeton to a swarm of locusts.  Really.

Notable Alumni: Aaron Burr (aka the damn fool who shot Alexander Hamilton); Doogie Howser; Batman (dropped out)(WTF, Batman? Doogie Howser managed to graduate and he was only 12); Michelle Obama; Ted Cruz’s roommate, who managed not to strangle Ted Cruz in his sleep.  (Mad respect, Ted Cruz’s roommate!  You are a paragon of restraint.)

University of Pennsylvania

Wait . . . . Penn is in the Ivy League?  (Cheap joke.  I know.  But it works.  Every time.)

Yale University

Famous for: Being the venue for some great love stories — Bill and Hillary Clinton; Skull and Bones; Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger; George W. Bush and Beer.  Upon further reflection, perhaps “great” is too strong a word.

Little Known Fact:  Yalies traditionally play a game called “Bladderball” which is a rule-less game involving much alcohol and a fight for a giant leather orb.  It also has, at various times, included a leaflet drop by helicopter and referees in top hats and tails.  What could possibly go wrong?

Notable Alumni: Montgomery Burns; Lupita Nyong’o (I love saying that name); Agent Fox Mulder; Anderson Cooper; Jodie Foster (who I hope will play me in the movie version of this blog).

Next — Your Mom’s Guide to the Personal Statement.

See my Guide to the Hippie Colleges here, and follow me on Facebook!

Behind the Scenes at the World’s Dumbest Feud

 

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In the tradition of the Hatfields vs. the McCoys, the Montagues vs. the Capulets, and Hamilton vs. Burr, we now have the website “College Confidential” vs. me, aka “@hyppymom.”  The only difference is that this feud is nonlethal and way, way dumber.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with “College Confidential,” it’s a website and forums for students and parents who are involved in the college admissions process.  There is some useful information there.  And a lot of dreck.  For instance, on the Harvard forum, one of the current topics is “How impressive is getting a 36 on the ACT and also perfect grades?”  The answer?  Very impressive.  Also, you’re a jerk.  So you’re perfect for Harvard.

Anyway, over Labor Day weekend, I was looking for a distraction, so I posted a link to my Hippie College Guide on College Confidential.  It stayed up for a few hours, and I got some positive feedback.  Then, without notice or explanation, I was locked out.  At that point, I figured out I must have violated some rule, so I looked at the rules.  They did say no links to blogs.  Ok.  My bad.

So I created a new account, @hyppymom (showing just how easy it is to get around their bans), and posted an excerpt of the blog.  No links.  I was overwhelmed with positive feedback — on the College Confidential forum and through private messages.  Days passed, I posted more content and got more great feedback.  Then suddenly, and without notice or explanation, I was unable to post any content.  I contacted the site.  No response.  I managed to sneak back on the site (again, so easy to bypass their ban) to explain to my by-then sizable audience that I wouldn’t be posting anymore because I had apparently been banned by the moderators.

There was a minor uproar among my readers — accompanied by a couple of “you know, she was kind of annoying” comments.  (So very true.  Boo will confirm that I can be quite annoying.)  But at that point, College Confidential relented, sending me a message that I had been “unbanned” — a message that would only make sense if I had, in fact, been banned.

Meanwhile, there was a hilarious and nearly incomprehensible message posted on the forum by the CC moderator  as follows:

“MODERATOR’S NOTE:
As a reminder, discussion of a moderator’s actions is not allowed on the forums. You want to ask a mod about his/her actions, send him/her a PM. I have deleted several posts bemoaning a user that someone assumed was banned; she was not. So not only were a moderator’s theoretical actions discussed, the underlying assumption was incorrect.”

Okey dokey.  That’s some fine writing there.  No discussions of a moderator’s actual or theoretical actions that did not occur (even though they did, in fact, occur).  Got it.

Whatever.  I publicly thanked the moderator and decided to play nice on the forum — which I scrupulously did.  My following posts included such controversial topics as the setting of the play, “Our Town” and my unfamiliarity with Antioch College.  Scandalous!

I’ll admit that I wasn’t quite as nice on my Facebook page.  It was at that point that things got weird(er).  I received my one and only substantive message from the CC moderator who was upset by something snarky I had said on my Facebook page.  The CC moderator warned me that I better behave on the CC forum — which I was doing.

In other words, the CC moderator had tracked down my Facebook page and then complained about what s/he saw there.  That message was the only substantive contact I got from College Confidential about the “objectionable” content of my writing.  Really?  Don’t they have something better to do than worry about what’s on my Facebook page?  (I clearly don’t, but it’s my Facebook page.)

At that point, we began an insane series of bans and releases.  Every time I posted something on the forum — no matter how innocuous — I was locked out.  I would contact CC privately asking politely to be released.  Hours later, I would get a message saying that I was  “unbanned.”  Rinse and repeat.

After this had happened about a half a dozen times, I posted a snarky comment on my Facebook page comparing CC to Dean Wormer from “Animal House” and questioning whether I was on “double secret probation” because the CC moderator was banning and unbanning me constantly and without explanation.

It must have been my “double secret probation” post on Facebook that sent the CC moderator over the edge.  I was banned again.  This time, however, my repeated polite requests to be unbanned have been ignored.  So it looks like @hyppymom is history at College Confidential because of what I posted on my Facebook page.  Sorry they didn’t like my free content.

So that’s where we are now.  See?  I told you it was dumb.  Stay tuned.

UPDATE: I posted the last two segments of the Ohio trip and a farewell on CC.  It was immediately removed and I was banned again.  Surprise!

And so ends the feud between CC and me.  It was fun while it lasted.  Getting under their skin may have been the most fun of all.  But I’m a grownup (Hate that!) and like to use my powers for good and not evil.  So I’m calling it a day.

RIP hyppymom.

AND ANOTHER UPDATE:  The World’s Dumbest Feud got even dumber!