By now it is apparent that President–Elect Trump would prefer to have only billionaires in his administration. Despite the power and prestige usually associated with serving in a senior administration position, Trump has faced difficulties in attracting billionaires who are willing to sell their souls and serve. Having run out of real life billionaires, Trump extended offers to several fictional billionaires. All of them turned him down. Below are Trump’s notes about the offers.
Richie Rich (Personal Asst. to President) — We could stay up all night and tweet things! Also can make prank phone calls to foreign leaders! “Hello? Is this Kim Jung-un? Love your hair! Is Don King your stylist?” (Great black man, Don King.) So fun! RR declines. 🙁 Thinks he’s too mature for us to get along and is afraid of inciting nuclear war. Dumb! Also must finish 4th grade. Plan B — Ask Barron if he’s interested. Nepotism be damned.
Jed Clampett (Secretary of Energy) — Good credentials! Knows all about black gold, Texas tea. Loves fossil fuels. And eating road kill. Flattered by offer but reluctant to move away from his cement pond in Californee. Also afraid I might grab Ellie May’s cat(?). Much obliged but no thanks.
Scrooge McDuck (Secretary of the Interior) — Can barely understand a word he says. May be speaking Spanish. Or Australian. Sounded like “Squawk! . . . Don Jr. . . Squawk! . . . Eric . . . Squawk! . . . Hunting rifle . . . Squawk!” Really only understood when he yelled “Fuck You” at the end. Note to self — find Huey, Dewey, Louie and Donald (Duck, not Trump) and refuse to pardon them next Thanksgiving. Just like families of terrorists.
Jay Gatsby (Second Vice President) — My kind of man! Extremely rich thanks to questionable business practices. Knows how to throw a party. Should have made him my running mate instead of Mike “Mr. Serious” Pence. Cannot serve because he is fictionally dead.
Khaleesi (Secretary of Defense) — Can use dragons to defeat enemies. Element of surprise. ISIS will not expect dragons. Or army of neutered former slaves. Iron throne would look fantastic in Oval Office after gold leafing. Brief call. I love the women. No one respects the women more than I do. But this woman is scary AF. Too scared to ask her to join cabinet.
Thurston Howell III (Secretary of Transportation) — Knows defects in transportation infrastructure. Boating accident left him stranded for years with poor people who could not find manufacturing jobs on deserted island. Sad! Too busy with litigation against Harlem Globetrotters related to ownership of resort on island. Note to self — tell kids that blind trust should invest in resort.
Mr. Monopoly (Housing and Urban Development) — Who better to run HUD than a guy who has made a fortune building cheap hotels in Atlantic City and then going bankrupt? Good conversation about real estate acquisitions using fake money. Cannot serve because he had to go to jail. Directly to jail. Did not pass Go. Did not collect $200.
Oprah (Anything she wants) — not fictional! Who knew? Also, thinks I’m a dumbass. Told me to go to hell! Will show her! Will not invite her to my next wedding! The best wedding! The most luxurious and classy wedding. To a 23 year old whose resemblance to a young Ivanka is purely coincidental.