Not like that! I’m 54 years old fer Chrissake! Boo neither. (Cue ten years of knocking wood.) And definitely not my mother — although I’m pretty sure that she’d be in the National Enquirer if that were the case. (Fame! At last!)
But I am expecting toddler twins — for a visit. Starting this weekend. In our house, that’s akin to preparing for two tiny terrorists to come wage conventional, biological and chemical warfare. So I have consulted the website of the American Red Cross find out what to do in the event of a terrorist attack and have taken measures accordingly. Here’s what they suggest:
1) Remain calm and be patient. Here’s a video of us following that rule except they have left out the baby-proofing part.
2) Follow the advice of local emergency officials. This is poor advice. The police, fire department, city hall, and the EPA were utterly useless when I called to ask them how to prepare for toddler twins. Also, there’s now a restraining order against me.
3) Listen to your radio or television for news and instructions. Apparently, the mainstream media has not been giving enough attention to this impending disaster as I have heard no reports on this whatsoever. (Sad!) Once again, this advice is useless.
4) If the event occurs near you, check for injuries and render first aid. We’re already suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder. First aid will likely come in the form of getting very, very, very drunk.
5) If the event occurs near your home while you are there, check for damage using a flashlight. Do not light matches or candles. Finally! Some useful advice! Do not let toddler twins light matches. Check.
6) Confine or secure your pets. Toddler twins with a little fluffy white dog? What could possibly go wrong? I think the dog may have to get very, very, very drunk too.
And lastly, the Red Cross warns us:
Clean up may take many months. But the psychological effects can last a lifetime! So if anyone is interested in starting a support group, please leave your contact info in the comments below.